I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
