Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
