There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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