Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize