just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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