i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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