Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
