the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
