I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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