i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
