just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
