youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
