miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
