The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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