One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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