took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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