Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
