please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
