he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
