i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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