Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
