u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
