I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
