This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
