I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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