I cannot find my penis.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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