took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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