I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
