He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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