My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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