No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
There r osticjed everywhere
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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