it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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