all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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