I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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