the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
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I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
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The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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