Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
