Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
