Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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