Just fell off a train. Bad.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
how drunk are you?
Several
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
