I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i drank out of a bidet.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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