I seem to have left my pride at pride
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
