Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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