thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
