He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
