fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
