Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
