i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
