I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
