i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Naked. naked and bneed help.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
