2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
