im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
