Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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