At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
