apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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