My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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