he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
my poor anus
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
