my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
