Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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