This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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