Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
