Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
