dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i came on her dog
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
