my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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