How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
