You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
