I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
