I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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